tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.comments2019-08-23T09:53:29.043-04:00The Uncrucified Reader's BlogAngela R. Sasserhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-64011250946608397912019-08-23T09:53:29.043-04:002019-08-23T09:53:29.043-04:00I like the portrayal of the Neomah noble, even if ...I like the portrayal of the Neomah noble, even if it is a villainous portrayal. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10278025680457404622noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-23679014977502782822019-08-08T13:38:22.651-04:002019-08-08T13:38:22.651-04:00Editing notes: Correct Janissa's appearance to...Editing notes: Correct Janissa's appearance to amber eyes with red-streaked raven hair. She appears in her 30s despite being over 50, which could be something Spinel might comment on. There's no specific mention of Janissa's skintone, but it would be more suiting to the South if she were dark-skinned (unless perhaps she is wearing metallic makeup to make herself look unearthly? Will have a think about this!).Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-50053410052997482902019-08-08T11:22:55.499-04:002019-08-08T11:22:55.499-04:00Editing Notes: correct firestones to glowstones an...Editing Notes: correct firestones to glowstones and also make a note that firestones do NOT give off light, only heat and are also called either firegems or ever coals. This is a continuity error across future chapters.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02969131264609857033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-52112693368500236212019-08-05T14:18:43.759-04:002019-08-05T14:18:43.759-04:00Editing Notes for myself:
RE: Djali's experien...Editing Notes for myself:<br />RE: Djali's experience with the death of other waterbearers. Add more Exalted flavor to this. Perhaps he even experienced seeing the Hungry Ghosts of other waterbearers because they were not given proper rights? Perhaps laying salt lines for ghost wards was part of the duty? Especially if being a waterbearer is a form of punishment.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02969131264609857033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-64972606785583157112019-06-07T00:26:30.159-04:002019-06-07T00:26:30.159-04:00Hey there, Anon! Thank you for your kind thoughts...Hey there, Anon! Thank you for your kind thoughts and for letting me know you'd like to see more of this story. It helps keep the spirits up! I have been itching to do that Exalted Art Challenge for so long now, it'd be nice to get this blog going again with some fresh new material from it!<br /><br />As for reading the story, it's gone through several iterations which you can see in the Table of Contents section of this blog. If you want the very first raw (but shorter and complete) version of the story, you can read it and even listen to audiobook versions of it at the reading links on the page http://theuncrucified.angelasasser.com<br /><br />However, I've been posting a new rewritten draft done in a more traditional novelized style here on this reader blog. It's the version I need feedback on, if you'd like to leave some! You can start with chapter 1 here:<br />http://theuncrucifiedreaders.blogspot.com/2017/07/the-uncrucified-beta-chapter-1-auntie.html<br /><br />This 'beta' draft is an expansion of the 'alpha' draft, since I felt like the story needed more time in Gem and the alpha draft skips this time to move right into Chiaroscuro.<br /><br />I've also made a post with tips about what kind of feedback I'm looking for here:<br />http://theuncrucifiedreaders.blogspot.com/p/how-to-use-this-blog.html<br /><br />I hope that all makes sense! Basically, the beta is the one that's the newest that I will be combining with the sections of the alpha that pertain to Chiaroscuro (with improvements from previous beta readers). If you ever have any questions just drop me a line and I'd be happy to clarify!<br /><br />Thanks again and I hope you enjoy the story! Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-20721517331317830652019-06-06T22:30:53.488-04:002019-06-06T22:30:53.488-04:00I'm so sorry things have been difficult for yo...I'm so sorry things have been difficult for you guys, but really glad to hear about your husband's health improving, and hope you consider taking up The Uncrucified again! The Exalted Art Challenge would be really cool to see on here too, I'd love to see what comes from it!<br /><br />This weekend I will dive into reading the Uncrucified and I will definitely share my thoughts!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12054861536429474229noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-20800149180633792882017-11-13T23:38:59.006-05:002017-11-13T23:38:59.006-05:00You're definitely right about Auntie being the...You're definitely right about Auntie being the star of this chapter. I focused greatly on her being someone Kalara as an adult partially admires for the cunning and intelligence of her schemes. The addition of another scene here might be exactly what I need to show that a young Kalara is at least quietly watching and learning as well, as she's not exactly AS stunned as she could be when Auntie sells her, more disappointed and not wanting to accept that's how the real world is. Having more interaction between the two at this point would help solve some of that passive protagonist syndrome I feel is going on in this bit and I think smooth out some other things.<br /><br />Hmmm I get what you're saying about tense, but right now that's not a style change I feel is suiting. We'll see where we're at by the end of the tale, though! At that point, I can put it all together and see how it flows! The original memoir was all first person and that has made SUCH a challenging difference in framework, flow, everything. <br /><br />As for the lullaby/sun references, I was thinking about whether or not the people of the South would reference him kindly or not as I wrote this, but unsure of how to handle it, as it feels like at some point in previous ages they must have revered him and I thought it'd be interesting if the lullaby had deeper, more benevolent roots. <br /><br />However, it really does makes sense they'd find him unmerciful due to the heat that leaves a lot of the population dead in the hotter months of Gem. I had considered maybe referencing something that focuses more on the Immaculate Dragons or the Maidens instead, but I like the subtlety of the sun always being ever present in Kalara's thoughts, even if it's a song she doesn't remember the words to. Sort of a hint of a connection that she would have as a Chosen later.<br /><br />I love the idea of changing the tone of that lullaby to being about a golden lord oppressing the skies until the lady moon provides cool relief, until she too makes the temperatures too cold. Something hinting at the duplicity of the gods in their relationship with mortals feels fitting here too! Maybe a little hardcore for a lullaby, but life in Gem is hard and maybe that means their lullabies can be hardcore too.<br /><br />Thanks for your thoughtful comments. This is just the kind of feedback I was hoping for!Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-17171468817337575092017-11-13T23:18:50.852-05:002017-11-13T23:18:50.852-05:00You've brought up some really great points her...You've brought up some really great points here! This first chapter was probably the most difficult to write, as I've been struggling with a proper starting place for this story ever since the Alpha draft. The part with Auntie was especially difficult, as I didn't want to get too caught up in making supporting characters to fill out this section of Kalara's life, but I think you're right that I need one more additional scene in here to question her trustworthiness. There's a character that appears in a later chapter that might need to make an appearance here that I think might be smart to bring in, but I won't spoil who for you, as meeting this character shows Kalara the depths of Auntie's 'business example'. Yesss this gets my brain going with ideas. Thank you for the detailed feedback!Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-21502680143997641382017-11-08T17:40:18.961-05:002017-11-08T17:40:18.961-05:00Sorry, continuing...
For the merchants who she pl...Sorry, continuing...<br /><br />For the merchants who she plies food and trinkets out of, maybe they know that "auntie" is just an act, but its an elaborate sort of social contract that they treat her like so, a pantomime for the slaves (and a thank you for services previously rendered to them?)<br /><br />These are just some suggestions to try to add more interaction between Kalara and Auntie Nayan, since the latter is kind of the "star" of this chapter. It would help give Kalara more to do in the chapter too, so you can characterize her some more as a young child.<br /><br />Also some tense issues. I think I would use present tense here for everything after the initial paragraph and try to go for transitions which don't call out the passage of time as explicitly, but demonstrate it through dialogue or references to things that change.<br /><br />For that first paragraph, I think its a little heavy on references. Sol Invictus is an epithet for the Unconquered Sun, but I think you'd get something more raw out of being less explicit with that stuff. Reincarnation and fate are fine though, I think that you can square that away with the sort of Immaculate beliefs mentioned elsewhere.<br /><br />I'd maybe gender the Sun but not call him by the title, to reflect the sort of depersonalized relationship between him and normal people like the folk of Gem. Hell, if anything, the horrible heat of the sun in Gem might have them view him more antagonistically, maybe? Just some thoughts.<br /><br />Cool start!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07046608686155750981noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-37084533670338417852017-11-08T17:34:46.237-05:002017-11-08T17:34:46.237-05:00so I just finished the first chapter, this is Leet...so I just finished the first chapter, this is Leetsepeak offering some feedback!<br /><br />We don't really get much of Kalara yet but I think her brusqueness in this chapter makes sense for a young kid. I think your writing is good but felt that there were some repetitive elements, sentences that were too long and phrases that got repeated. Auntie Niyan's smile gets mentioned too much for instance, and being more circumspect about that might help animate her more in the text and make the juxtaposition of her smile with her behavior more striking.<br /><br />I think that Kalara asking about the others comes a little abruptly. Some kind of event precipitating it would help make the action feel a little bit more natural and be a good way to close the gap between the preceding bit: "Like all the others, Kalara endured the mark without question, for Auntie Niyan was all she knew and the smell of a rare, hearty dinner was too tempting for a child to pass up."<br /><br />Like maybe Kalara, who knows not to ask questions, overhears Auntie in conversation with someone where she "breaks character" and says something unseemly about the children. That might be the kind of thing to make Kalara doubt her enough to ask the question, but that doubt is going up against years of conditioning to trust her.<br /><br />which is why she doesn't like, just run away or something, but takes the risk, almost without realizing it, of confronting her<br /><br />and if you wanted to foreshadow it a bit, maybe the very first time she meets her in the initial section where her parents have died, maybe she sees Auntie Niyan "out of character" right before she slips into character to offer her comfort.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07046608686155750981noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-59138353667576696872017-09-27T08:51:36.499-04:002017-09-27T08:51:36.499-04:00I honestly still can't decide between my favor...I honestly still can't decide between my favorites! I get the sense that some of these, like the long vest of 8, are going to bleed over into her Formal look. Before I can settle on her final Casual look, I'll probably explore more and see if I get a better sense of her style, overall, and what might be the difference between what she settles into on her day off and what she wears to the office, on the road, to special occasions, etc.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-11874432330140240152017-09-27T08:31:51.917-04:002017-09-27T08:31:51.917-04:00I love three, six, seven, and ten. Actually I real...I love three, six, seven, and ten. Actually I really love all of them, but those in particular have elements I adore - three's layering and brighter colors, six's sleeves and warmer colors, seven's sash and detailing, ten's front-closure lines... Oooh and eight's coat hem/length. I think she really rocks the more saturated colors as well, especially on the cooler side of the spectrum! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07245177736880979765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-1875074872502501142017-05-31T12:06:54.603-04:002017-05-31T12:06:54.603-04:00Woo glad you like either idea that might come up f...Woo glad you like either idea that might come up for this! And thanks for leaving comments thus far, David. I will have to come back and absorb them all soon!<br /><br />Bless you and Sam for helping me to hammer this story into shape. You've both been so helpful! <3Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-11104987515612090352017-05-29T16:17:17.326-04:002017-05-29T16:17:17.326-04:00I'll admit I saw this before reading chapter 5...I'll admit I saw this before reading chapter 5 and now I love the idea of illustrating what his estate would look like, so ignore my previous comment, hah. We both gets points for honesty in this chain :)dclementshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10183203698087519457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-12243557788870508972017-05-29T15:39:50.261-04:002017-05-29T15:39:50.261-04:00You know...I'll be honest and say that it was ...You know...I'll be honest and say that it was meant to be a courtyard with quick shading and the city skyline with desert in the far distance, but an ocean view with the lighthouses in the back could be really cool as an alternative! I'll have to play around with this new thought in mind and see what happens.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-88905644092490248402017-05-29T14:02:02.807-04:002017-05-29T14:02:02.807-04:00Plentimon is a powerful god of gambling. He's ...Plentimon is a powerful god of gambling. He's in the West book if you wanted to take a look (pg 136)! He's essence 7 if that tells you anything of his power/worship in Creation.dclementshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10183203698087519457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-61980233760390312812017-05-29T13:58:34.295-04:002017-05-29T13:58:34.295-04:00Those are both beautiful comps and I'm 110% ex...Those are both beautiful comps and I'm 110% excited to see the finished work. I love the moonlit festival waterfront idea...instant mood setter!dclementshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10183203698087519457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-83741407506398121302017-05-29T13:56:32.307-04:002017-05-29T13:56:32.307-04:00Paragon is perhaps the most powerful representatio...Paragon is perhaps the most powerful representation of servitude in Creation (requiring Solar Circle Sorcery to break the bond), so I enjoyed the irony of Kalara wishing for a better life in Paragon--even if it wasn't intentional. That part did, however, read a bit like a sourcebook factual description rather than a slave's perception ("She had heard slaves could be freed..." etc.).<br /><br />Overall fun chapter to read!dclementshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10183203698087519457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-60595380475447196972017-05-26T13:24:47.984-04:002017-05-26T13:24:47.984-04:00Notes to self. Specific sights of Chiaroscuro to ...Notes to self. Specific sights of Chiaroscuro to possibly reference here:<br />- The lighthouses on the blue glass breakwater, the Bright Eyes of Chiaroscuro.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-30069272535829596092017-05-26T13:23:32.593-04:002017-05-26T13:23:32.593-04:00Notes to self. More sites of Chiaroscuro to possi...Notes to self. More sites of Chiaroscuro to possibly reference here:<br /><br />- The Field of Gold, center of the city that the Delzahn run across to prove their bravery.<br />- The city at night gleaming with unearthly essence lights that light the paths.<br />- Taresh's estate could be an opportunity to show off first age tech if I wanted. He could have a rooftop estate, though I like the idea also that he's chosen to live in the new city as well, but is using first age sewer tech to make his own estate look posh and perhaps lives in the ruins of a foundation he's modified for decorative purposes. He's rich but he is NOT a Khan.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-57435381773547857722017-05-26T13:19:18.632-04:002017-05-26T13:19:18.632-04:00Notes to self. So many sights in Chiaroscuro I nee...Notes to self. So many sights in Chiaroscuro I need to reference!<br />- the blood red glass streets.<br />- the partially functioning First Age buildings and other ruins<br />- the stained glass<br />- the farmlands of olives and dates preceding Chiaroscuro<br /><br />Thoughts on Varia. If he won this moderate sized estate in a game of cards, I suspect they'd actually be outside the Delzahn wall in a higher class area of the new city. No modern conveniences outside of running water and maybe a few ornate glass sections in his garden and/or walls. He's hiding from his collectors in an upscale way.<br /><br />Grandmother Bright's district could be where Kalara likes to go to when she's allowed alone time in later chapters. Maybe she's curious about getting a peek at the goddess and enjoys shopping there as long as she's gone by sunset? An encounter with Bright could be an interesting scene and perhaps fodder for later developments, considering the goddess' proclivities for long-term investments.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-64167811096840327002017-05-17T15:34:31.660-04:002017-05-17T15:34:31.660-04:00Haha I do enjoy my poor mortal saps in this univer...Haha I do enjoy my poor mortal saps in this universe! That's a good point about there still being a possibility of an heir. The thought of Sana being concerned with having an child too, but not being able to might actually add a level of humanity to her character I hadn't thought of....hmmmm. The wheels are whirring! Thanks for rambling back and forth with me. :DAngela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-7846655663695291462017-05-17T14:39:40.239-04:002017-05-17T14:39:40.239-04:00Makes sense to me! I have a bad habit of assuming ...Makes sense to me! I have a bad habit of assuming any NPC from the Realm is a Dragonblood, hah.<br /><br />As for the blood legacy, I imagine one of the remaining hopes for a non-exalt dynast family is that they get lucky and have an heir exalt (as a DB). A DB heir to a family gives incentive for others to treat them well. Obviously not as powerful as a full on DB family, but better than nothing!<br /><br />Overall enjoyed the chapter and thought Varia's arrival helped reinforce that they are strangers in a foreign land.dclementshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10183203698087519457noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-55987517353391327552017-05-15T11:40:29.577-04:002017-05-15T11:40:29.577-04:00- show more of the struggle between being a 'g...- show more of the struggle between being a 'good little slave' and the constant nagging feeling she's meant for more and has a rebellious streak.Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3218220496211039702.post-91490373881218993382017-05-15T11:14:09.018-04:002017-05-15T11:14:09.018-04:00More Notes for rewrite:
- Expand this section to s...More Notes for rewrite:<br />- Expand this section to show more of Kalara's proficiencies. So many missed opportunities between her and Djali!<br />- Religion in the South? Are they of the Immaculate Faith? Right now, Kalara believes in reincarnation with a Greek underworld kind of twist (ie. the rivers of forgetfulness).Angela R. Sasserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12236117446115598736noreply@blogger.com